Becoming Me, With My Shadow and All of My Imperfections

‎"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." -Anna Quindlen

This quote speaks to me on a level that is so true, so wonderful and so liberating! When I saw it this morning, I just knew I had to blog about it!

I used to love that Hershey’s Kiss commercial where the little boy gets a Kiss in his lunch and says, “When my Mom says ‘nobody’s perfect,’ she could be talking about my brother!”

Nobody IS perfect, but that doesn’t stop parents, teachers and church folks from pretending that it’s possible and then holding all of us (except themselves) to this standard.

So, today, I’m going to give myself permission to BE myself. I’m working a lot these days with my Shadow self. It started a few years ago when someone mentioned Jung and his concept of Archetypes. I read the books by Caroline Myss and bought her Archetype cards.

Then, in February of this year, I heard a woman speak about “the Shadow” and how relationships bring out our shadows. I invited her to hold a workshop on Astrology and The Shadow Dance in June. Then, in September, I invited my friend Dr. Margaret Clench to teach a 6 week workshop on Archetypes.

Recently, I was cleaning out my guest room and found a bunch of old files, including some sheets from Byron Katie on “The Work.” She invites us to look at our conflicts and use a journal sheet to record each conflict, a little about the person with whom you are in conflict, what you would like instead, etc. Then, she has this amazing technique that she calls “The Turnaround.” You take the very thing that you are accusing the other person of doing and invites you to look at how the person might do the opposite and how you might be doing that very thing to the other person! And, if that isn’t enough, she asks you to reflect on how you might be doing this same thing to YOURSELF!

Well, it is just incredible! I had been introduced to Byron Katie quite a few years ago and even downloaded the free worksheets from her site. However, “when the student is ready . . .” I guess this week, IAM READY.

I did the process on a conflict with one of my brothers-in-law and my little sister. WOW! It is so liberating!

This morning, I was running out the door and went back to say something to Steve. He said, “Baby, I’m trying to get ready here and you keep interrupting me!” Well, I fumed to the car and thought to myself, “He doesn’t have time for me!” Then, as soon as it came in, I thought of “The Work” and did my turnaround:

Steve doesn’t have time for me.
Steve DOES have time for me.
I don’t have time for Steve.
I don’t have time for myself.

WOW! What an insight! I’ll be working on this for the rest of today!

Au Revoir to Suzy, Not Goodbye

I just got word that my friend Suzy Moore crossed over this morning. She was such a sweet person, with kindness and caring such a part of her nature. She was always smiling and radiating love, wherever she went.

Just a few weeks ago, I saw her at an event and we hugged and talked as if only a day had passed since the last time we spoke. She always asked about me, my work, my husband, and family. And, she really wanted to know. Suzy REALLY was interested in whatever interested you and it showed in her compassion, her attentive listening and that smile! Her smile could light up a room!

About a year ago, I invited Suzy to be a part of a group I was creating to produce retreats for women who are just coming on to their spiritual paths. She politely declined, saying that she didn't think she fit in. I begged her to reconsider, but she continued to decline and wished me the best with our project. I thought many times about how I handled the invitation. Was I too brusque? Should I have given her a chance to help us create the group, rather than attempt to add her later to the faculty?

I thought of my questions this morning when I learned of her passing. I immediately went outside and talked with her.

Suzy, I want to apologize for the idiot way I invited you to be a part of our group. I know I screwed it up. And, I also know you know me. You REALLY know me now! And you know that I was inviting you from a "heart" place. That I really wanted you to participate in whatever way was authentic for you. Thank you for touching my life, Suzy. I love you and I am blessed to know you and I can't wait to see what we will create in the next life! Cheers, my friend! I'll bet you are dancing and kicking up your heels as you transition. And so I say to you, "au revoir," as the French say, which means "until seeing you again."

As I walked back into my building, it began to rain. I thought about other friends & family with whom I might have misunderstandings. Well, the one with Suzy is settled now. However, I don't have to wait for someone to pass to work things out, do I?

I've got some phone calls to make . . .

For the Love of Monster Truck Drivers . . .

This morning, as I was driving to my office (I drive 40 miles each way every day) I signaled a lane change and moved over to the right. I had plenty of room, but evidently upset the guy behind me in the monster truck, because he immediately flashed his brights and gunned it to go around me. I maintained my speed behind him and then he stepped on his brakes. I kind of expected that, so I was prepared. I resisted the urge to go around him and as I drove behind him, I pondered the fact that I even WANTED to go around him and “beat” him to the I-20 West exit.

Why do we do this? Why do “I” do this? That’s so “First Chakra” and “tribal” as my mentor Caroline Myss would say. All of the work I’ve done and I still want to “beat” someone to the next exit?

So, as I drove behind him and saw him go around another car and “leap frog” to the very front of the line on I-20, I thought: “What if I could send him light and love, instead of being pissed off or hurt or wasting energy on the guy in the monster truck?” So I did.

I imagined pink love and white light emanating from my fingertips as I raised my right hand off of the steering wheel, pointed it in his direction and kind of made a wave motion, as if love was flowing right toward him. Then, I said a prayer for him and one for myself.

Some of my teachers and mentors tell me that when “you spot it, you got it,” so I know that I’m projecting some of my own “bad ass” tendencies. Cocky people who take more than their share of the road bother me. People who drive big, monster trucks and then blow by me or almost hit me as they go around me REALLY bug me.

So, with the whole “shadow” concept in mind, I want to embrace the part of myself that gets upset over this type of behavior. Does it mean that a part of me wants to do that? Wants to be “king of the road” and lord it all over everyone? Maybe. Or, did I act like that in another life, in another time and now I’m getting to see what it feels like to witness it or be treated like that?

Yep, maybe so.

My prayer for myself is one that asks for my Higher Self to integrate and embrace those parts of that driver that I most abhor. And I embrace it long enough to take the emotional charge out of it and reduce the action to something equivalent to walking across the street. Neutral. Not bad, not good, just an action.

And then, I can go back to “be-ing” ME.

Grapevine Botanical Gardens - Cool in the Shade

Today I got to visit one of my favorite places on earth: the Botanical Gardens in Grapevine. My dentist is in Grapevine and I drove by the post office to drop off some packages before my appointment. On the way to my dentist’s office, I saw the Botanical Gardens and decided to stop in.

What a surprise: it was almost cool in the shaded areas, so with my bottle of water and camera in tow, I walked around. I found the most beautiful (and accommodating) butterfly, which flitted and fluttered around and allowed me to snap 20 pictures of it before it said, “OK, enough, already!” I snapped some beautiful flowers, too.

This place is particularly special to me because it’s the scene of my wedding to my husband Steve. Just over 8 years ago, we asked our daughters if they wanted to go out to dinner and told them we had a short stop to make. Steve ran into Tom Thumb to get some flowers and handed them to Meagan, our older daughter and we drove to the Botanical Gardens.

Once there, we were met by our friends Jim and Carol, who had been our teachers at the marriage class (well, BEFORE- Marriage Class) we had taken at Fellowship Church in 2001. Jim is also an ordained minister and he was thrilled to perform the ceremony. Carol stood by and took lots of pictures and then mailed them to us a few days later. They are really sweet people.

After the brief ceremony, attended only by Carol, Meagan and our younger daughter, Sara, we all went to Red Lobster and had dinner. All in all, a very special day!

I love the gardens, because of the transformation I’ve seen for that plot of land over the last 27 years. When we moved to Grapevine in 1983, it was a small park with a few trees and a small ravine that was either added for flood control or carved into the land by rain waters.

Over the years, a gazebo was added, as well as koi ponds, walkways and a home on the property was annexed to be a community center for meetings and parties. When we utilized it as the scene for our wedding, it had just undergone a major renovation, with the addition of covered walkways and a few bridges. All in all, it just keeps expanding and growing.

Now, there is wrought iron fencing all around the perimeter of the gardens, leaving the park area open for play and framed by trees for beauty.

Inside the gardens are birds of all types, butterflies, and dragonflies of many varieties. The flowers are every color of the rainbow and the caladiums and special green plants are breathtaking, too.
I sat in one of the covered areas and just snapped a few more photos and took in the color and beauty of nature . . . While in the shade, I tried to snap a small dragonfly, but he wasn’t as patient with me as the butterfly!

I guess the Botanical Gardens remind me of, well, ME! I’ve been transforming myself over the past 15 years, too! With each passing year, I grow and stretch, as I become all that I am to be!

Releasing Weight - My New Heart Adventure

I remember being told in my hypnosis training five years ago that Americans don't like the concept of "losing weight" so refer to it as "releasing excess pounds." As Americans, we DON'T like to lose!

I get it, but at the heart of it, it is about losing something that no longer serves us, releasing something and letting go. Yes, it's all of those things.

Over the past 30 years, I have gained and lost 50 pounds twice and it's time to lose it again!

In a meditation last night, I was clearly shown how this weight has protected me in many ways:

childhood hurts & abuse
wounds by people I love
sensitivity to others
defensive strikes
loss & grief
fear & shame
anger & rage
lack of love

In an earlier meditation, I was shown the door to my heart. With Google images and a little help from Paint software and the addition of a door knob, the graphic at the top is a pretty good

representation of what I saw. Inside, I saw this beautiful little girl in braids, dressed like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, swinging in a beautiful swing, decorated with yellow garlands of flowers up and down the ropes.

My little self, my Dreamer Self says she is ready to help me “peel away the layers.”
“I’ll help you,” she says, “and then I can come out and play.”

‘It’ll be fun---you’ll see.”

She went on to say that we will know fun and fearless flying and a type of Friendship I have never known.

Another interesting image was that the little girl (who I knew instantly was me) had a “heart-shaped” face and wore braids, just like I wore when I was young. When I really look at myself and take away the bangs that I have worn since my 20’s when blow dryers came into existence, I HAVE a heart-shaped face. My “widow’s peak” and my cheeks give me a heart shaped face. I just don’t see it, because I always have my bangs.

The little girl was swinging, going back and forth and zooming very high up. It was as if she was flying.

I have a feeling we have many more visits and interesting journeys to take together, now that I’ve found her again. And, I can’t wait to release all of these pounds. I have a feeling it will be easier this time!

Sheba, Wonder Dog

My dog Sheba is one of the most allowing creatures I know. When she sees me grab my keys, she immediately starts this little primitive dance and jumps and twirls like a ballerina or a Cherokee medicine man. She wants to go, so she sends out this positive vibration. She is not attached to the outcome; she just knows she is going!

With the Universe on her side, I can’t help but let her go with me, so I motion her out the door, into the garage. I open the car door and watch with a smile as she jumps over my seat into “her” seat by the window.

I have to put down the window just a bit as soon as I turn the key or she gives me “that look.” Then, she sticks her head out the window and begins to smile as we travel down the driveway and down the street toward rest of our small town.

For most of the places we want to go, I can forego the freeway and take surface streets, so I do. This enables Sheba to put her head out and enjoy the cool breeze and smells that are everywhere and not get her lips blown off! (Freeway driving can be hazardous!)

She will hang her head out the window for about a minute, then she brings it back in, shaking her head and letting her ears fall back down into place. She knows when she’s had too much wind and she ducks inside for a few seconds and then she’s out again.

Her smile would light up our entire town, if we could hook up a generator to her energy. She is happy, ecstatic and on a true spiritual high when she is riding in the car with me.

Sometimes, she turns to look at me as if to say, “Thanks, Mom,” and I feel her gratitude. Even more, I feel the love we share. Her love is unconditional and I am learning to return that unconditional love, even when she chews holes in her towel or drops mouthfuls of dog food on the carpet with no plans to eat it all.

Sheba is a German shorthaired pointer who is sleek and beautiful in her chocolate coat with chocolate and white ticking. I call her my “chocolate chip ice cream girl,” because her patches look just like that. We rescued her from a center up in Denton in 2004 and she has been a part of our family ever since. A few years ago, we decided (translation: I decided) that the other dogs were picking on her, so she gets to be the “inside dog” now. She sleeps on a towel on either the couch or the loveseat and graciously moves over to allow Steve and me to watch TV when we are home.

She sees spirits and alerts us when one of our relatives is visiting. Lately, she is seeing dog spirits and she finds this troubling. I have to reassure her that she is safe and Steve asks the Spirit to leave after a bit. Sometimes, I open the door and escort the dog spirit out of the house, so Sheba can watch TV in peace. (Yes, she loves our big screen TV, except when pigs, lions or particular animated creatures come on the set.)

She is my earth angel. I love her and I love the love that the two of us share. She can ride shotgun anytime she wants, except when I’m leaving for the office.

One day she was doing her dance on a Saturday as I was getting ready to leave for a client. I told her, “Sheba, sorry, but it’s not take your ‘Daughter to Work Day’ today. I’ll see you tonight.”

Loving Others

Over the past six months, I've been part of a study group led by a Harvard Professor/Reiki Master and we’ve been learning about manifesting. He has taught us that V + E + R = M

V - Visualization
E - Emotion
R - Release
M - Manifestation of the thing you want

Along the way, we’ve learned a lot about releasing, which he says is the most important part of the equation. Releasing is that means by which we “detach” and “let go” of our desire for the thing we are seeking. There are many tools to help us release and I’ve used most of them:
Law of Attraction
Focusing
EMDR
EFT
WHEE
Sedona
Ho-oponopono
Levenson’s Love Technique
Meditation

When we learned about the Sedona Method, we were introduced to the creator of this method, Lester Levenson. He said some amazing things:

“This thing called love is your basic nature. All the love in the universe is in your basic nature. You will discover that happiness—your happiness—equates to your capacity to love, and conversely all your miseries equate to your need to be loved. Just love, love, love and you will be so happy and healthy and prosperous. Remember, you need to release your non-love feelings. Try it, you will like it.”

Well, one day in meditation, I got a very clear nudge to take a tablet and write down all of the positive memories of my childhood, my parents, etc. What? Did I understand that correctly?

I’m beginning to be very trusting of my Guides, so I did as I was encouraged to do.

I filled two pages with memories from the skateboard I received at age 11, to the new dress my Mom made me for the 9th Grade Banquet. It was amazing how many positive things I could remember!

And, in the process, I began to see my parents in a different way. I had worked so hard over the last few years, releasing my “non-love” feelings. Yet, now I had some positive memories to fill the empty space. It was truly wonderful and I felt such a loving feeling toward BOTH parents.

I highly recommend it! Just take a tablet and start writing!