The Difference Between Shame and Guilt

I’m participating in a beta testing group for a new protocol for changing my self talk and resulting actions by reintroducing myself to my core values. Over time, I am creating new neural pathways in my brain, changing what was my “toddler brain” to a more mature, healthy brain. I’ll then be more able to respond to my environment and make better choices, rather than simply reacting.

One of the “self talk” aspects that I am dealing with concerns “shame” and “guilt.” I’d like to make a distinction here about these two concepts.

One of my favorite authors, Dr. Brené Brown, has spoken extensively about shame, exploring its harmful effects and sharing the best ways to combat it. Dr. Brown says that one simple way to "unpack" it is by understanding the crucial difference between shame and its sister: guilt.

In one "Super Soul Sunday," Dr. Brown said that it all comes down to your "self talk," or inner dialogue. "The difference between shame and guilt is the difference between 'I am bad' and 'I did something bad,'" she told Oprah.

For example, Dr. Brown says, imagine that you had too much to drink one night and showed up to work hung over, missing a meeting. Someone experiencing guilt will say to themselves, "That was a really stupid thing to do. I wasn't thinking."

In contrast, someone experiencing shame will say, "I'm an idiot. I'm such a loser." In other words, guilt focuses on behavior while shame focuses on self.
This distinction is so serious, in fact, that she reveals an alarming piece of information about shame's effects. "This is going to freak you out," she tells Oprah. "Shame [is] highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, violence, bullying and aggression. Guilt? Inversely correlated with those."
Therefore, the ability to change the self-talk -- and believe it -- can dramatically affect positive outcomes.

Dr. Brown shares her method for moving toward having a healthier internal dialogue. "I talk to myself like I would talk to Ellen or Charlie, my kids," she says. "The first thing I try to say is, 'You made a mistake. You're human. You're okay. I love you. You're going to get through this.' But the big piece is -- and this is a hard one – you've got to reach out and tell your story. You've got to speak your shame."

That’s why I always encourage clients and students to have a buddy, what I call an accountability partner. This person is your BFF or someone with whom you can be brutally honest about your shame. As Dr. Brown relates, there’s something very healing about sharing something so personal with someone you can trust.

I also want to draw your attention to her comment, "I talk to myself like I would talk to my kids." This presupposes that you talk to your children in a loving way! Some of us were parented by people who practiced the "spare the rod and spoil the child" philosophy. Many times, they used shame to discipline or punish us, trying to shame us into good behavior. As Dr. Brown shares, this never works. So, I'm learned to talk to myself in a more loving way. I hope that I used these same skills with my daughters. I know that I am more conscious about how I speak to my granddaughters!

Stay tuned to more information on the new protocol I am learning. In a few months, I'll be able to share it with my clients and students!