A few months ago, my best friend (I’ll call her Lucy, although that is not her name) texted me and Steve and told us that she was hurt and angry about something he posted on his FB page. (I can’t really go into more of what it was without betraying a confidence that I want to honor.)
We wrote back immediately, saying that the post had absolutely nothing to do with her, that Steve had written it 3 weeks ago and had just gotten around to posting it. Lucy blasted right back, admonishing both of us and also brought in another issue, which wasn’t even a part of her original criticism. Her last comment was: “I’m done.”
We sat and looked at each other in shock. Steve asked if he needed to apologize and take down the posting. I paused for just a moment and told him, “No.”
And that was that. Seven years of friendship was over. Much like a romantic break-up that you don’t see coming, I was awash in unbelief and sadness for days. Then, I was angry. Then, I remembered the 5 stages of grief:
1-Denial and Isolation
2-Anger
3-Bargaining
4-Depression
5-Acceptance
I moved through Denial and Isolation pretty fast. After a few days, I saw that Lucy wasn’t going to contact me and I didn’t feel led to do so myself. I reached out to a few of my friends in my Mastermind Group and they were very supportive. Steve was also very supportive.
I had lost a client a few weeks earlier to suicide and I felt that he just glossed over my loss. Later, we sat and talked about it one night and I felt that he finally “heard” me. So, when this loss occurred, he was particularly supportive and for that I was very grateful. My daughters were also very supportive. They understood my pain, since both of them have “lost” friends over the years of their young adulthood. With FB, it can be even more dramatic and hurtful.
Speaking of Facebook, Lucy immediately “unfriended” me and blocked me from seeing her comments. How do I know this? Because, her daughter continued to be my friend and I could see that my friend’s comments didn’t show up! Her husband continued to be my friend for a few weeks. Then, I noticed that he was no longer on my newsfeed. He unfriended me, but he hasn’t blocked me. I know because he shows up in people to whom I can send friend requests. LOL
So, now I am ANGRY! I was SO angry that I did pages and pages of journaling, working to rid myself of all of the rage and anger. Just like some of the experts recommend when you have a break-up with a romantic partner, I went through my house and removed all of the reminders of my friend: the chicken on top of my cabinets, the framed angel at my office, the special “sisters” coffee mug. It was just too painful to look at these items.
That week, I made a small casserole and when I took the crockery dish out of the dishwasher, my wet hands dropped it on the floor and it broke into several pieces. As I picked it up, I realized that it had also been a gift from Lucy. I was purging things that no longer served me.
After that week, I moved into Bargaining. I played the event over and over in my mind. What if we had done something different? What if we had reacted differently? What if, what if, what if?
Yet, in my heart, I knew that we just WERE. I am ME and Steve is Steve and there was no transgression on anybody’s part. We are perfect just the way we are and Lucy is perfect as she is. I knew this on a very deep level.
On a TV show that we watched during this enfolding, there was a stoic, male character who said to a female character, with whom he had been linked romantically and with whom he fathered a child, a fact which she did not reveal to him for sixteen years. He said to her:
“I will not forgive you.”
[Cue dramatic music and pan to the face of his Ex-lover]
“Because there is nothing to forgive.”
WOW! That is the essence of everything I aspire to! Nothing to forgive. There is NOTHING to forgive.
So, the next phase is Depression and I fell hard. It was now the middle of June and I was so low that I could barely get out of bed. I was sullen and sad and it was no fun. So, I called my friend in Allen, Stephanie McLaughlin and scheduled a healing session with her.
She is a wonderful massage therapist, who is also intuitive and brings in craniosacral therapy. She worked on me for a little over an hour and let me cry and process my feelings. (She is truly magnificent and is a master at holding space for healing!)
I left her office and immediately felt lighter! I sent her a note later, telling her, “Stephanie, I’ve got my JOY back!” And it was true! There was a lightness to my being and a joy in my heart again. I had forgiven my friend AND I had forgiven myself.
Interestingly, after the session with Stephanie, Lucy’s daughter reached out to me. She texted me that she was not offended by Steve’s post and that she hoped her mother and I could work out our differences. She said that she missed me! I was very touched by her message.
The last stage of grief is Acceptance. I guess that’s where I reside now. I’ve accepted that some friends “come for a season and some for a reason,” to quote something that one of my friends always says. I’ve accepted that Lucy was my companion for seven beautiful years, accompanying me through one of my biggest growth periods. She and I would text each other and talk several times a week. We were always there for each other.
Yet, one day, I noticed a huge benefit from the loss of Lucy’s friendship: my relationship with Steve was richer. I had a session with a client that was particularly challenging and when I was driving home, I called him. I shared from a deeper, more intimate place. As I hung up my phone, it came to me: a few months ago, I would have called Lucy. I didn’t even think of calling her that time. I thought of calling Steve. And then I did. What a gift!
Thank you, Lucy. I send you blessings from the deepest chamber of my heart. For in the words of Pierre Pradervand:
“To bless means to wish, unconditionally and from the deepest chamber of your heart, unrestricted good for others and events.
It is impossible to bless and judge at the same time. So hold constantly as a deep, hallowed, intoned thought the desire to bless, for truly then shall you become a peacemaker, and one day you shall behold, everywhere, the very face of God. And, of course, above all, do not forget to bless the utterly beautiful person you are.”

So, Lucy, if you are reading this, I send you blessings and all my love. For we will meet again in another life and share more adventures! We will also have a chance to commune on the Soul Plane and celebrate this life and the incredible growth that we both witnessed for each other. I can hardly wait to see what unfolds for us!